


Merry Christmas, Green-and-Jolly.

by Eshnoazot



Series: Skirting the lines between fandoms. [2]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-14
Updated: 2013-11-14
Packaged: 2018-01-01 11:17:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1044199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eshnoazot/pseuds/Eshnoazot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bruce can't even remember meeting Stiles Stilinski, but apparently the Hulk has been making friends since he started visiting because apparently the Hulk now gets Christmas Mail.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Merry Christmas, Green-and-Jolly.

Stiles frowned as he looked back at the Map on his phone and back up at the street with a sigh. No matter how  _foolproof_  googlemaps was supposed to be, apparently it was not  _Stilesproof_ , which was a whole sin on its own. Glancing around again, he noted the tall sky-penis building bearing the name Stark, and dutifully started to walk towards it. 

 _'If lost, find Stark Tower',_  Allison had told him, _'I'm serious. Everyone knows where it is; it's basically an icon. Tourists get their photo taken there.'_

With all the trouble in Beacons Hill, his father had practically pushed Stiles onto the plane as soon as he'd brought up the idea of taking Scott and Allison up to New York during the holidays. Of course, he had undergone an interrogation session beforehand, but that could be chalked up to his usual 'fatherly protectiveness'.

No one had mentioned that they were done here solely to visit some folklorists that Stiles thought were promising, but then again Scott and Allison seemed more interested in exploring New York while Stiles trolled through Manhattan trying to find a cafe that Google maps didn't believe in. Taking Allison with him would have been the smarter option, considering she had once lived here and knew how to read the infinite number of signs and roads and billboards without an accompanying headache. Scott, however, had elected to take Allison off to a carnival on a whirlwind adventure of love and romance and puppy-ness, without seemingly any care that his best friend since juice boxes was trying to help him and his fellow homo lupus.

Honestly, the first thing that should have tipped him off was the sudden lack of people. Maybe he had become to accustom to the particular type of ridiculousness that Beacons Hill excluded, because the giant mole-rats that suddenly appeared didn't even make him flinch.

"Seriously," He sighed to the universe, because the universe was totally having fun at his expense now.

He doesn't get a chance to wonder if mountain ash will work on these mole-rats from hell, before one of them shoves him to the ground with a snap of its jaws that becomes twice as fucking terrifying when he notices that the others are eating metal from  _goddamn skyscrapers_.

"Oh fuck," He says calmly, because it still hasn't sunk in that why he's survived teenaged werewolves and every other monster of the week that hails from their Sunnyvale-like hometown, he's going to be killed by a metal-mouthed mole-rat the size of a  _Vespa_. 

There's nothing cool that can be written on his gravestone about that.

It's almost embarrasing as getting lost WITH a GPS.

 **"HULK SMASH,"**  A thunderous voice announces, and suddenly the mole-rat is smashed into a hunk of wires and twisted metal,  **"PUNY SCRAWNY BOY RUN."**

"Excuse me, I'm totally scrawny no objections from me there," He retorts, as his brain sarcastically adds 'robotic' to the list of attributes of the mole-rats, "But I am  _NOT_  Puny."

It's only then that he looks up and notices that he's talking to the freakin' Hulk. The unnatural muscle and green skin probably should have been the first sign. His brain, still short-circuiting from the fact that he has an Avenger looking at him doubtfully, but he narrows his eyes and blames his ADHD for his inability to shut up.

 **"VERY PUNY.** " The Hulk explains carefully, with a strange twist in his lips that makes Stiles think he's being laughed at.

Laughed at.

By _Frankenstein._

 _"I AM NOT PUNY!"_ Stiles flailed as he stood up and glared at the Hulk who looked horribly surprised and amused by the sight in front of him, "I've definitely put on muscle since Lacrosse and extracurricular activities, I mean look at this! I can definitely open my own jars of peanut butter now without having to get a knife and pry it open, and I'm carrying around a  _baseball bat_  in my backpack just in case and I'm pretty handy and I could totally smash one of those weird rodent things, okay  _Green and Jolly_?"

 **"Bat?"**  The Hulk eyes him as his Neanderthal brow furrows. Stiles can practically see the hamster wheel in his brain running at full speed, and hear the dial up connection as the Hulk thinks. Suddenly the lumbering Avengers smirks, **”** **Scrawny Smash?"**

Stiles eyes the rodents currently eating through the buildings and shrugs, "Okay, Stiles Smash."

Apparently, his admittedly modified baseball bat is beautifully effective against the rodents. Too effective, considering they make him a target, at least till the Green guy laughs and starts jumping on them as if they were puddles.

Apparently, he  _really_  likes the weird shrieks of utter terror and the proceeding splat they make.

**"Scrawny not as good at smashing as Hulk."**

"I'm so proud right now," Stiles deadpans, as he whacks another mole and gets covered in their disgusting liquid-oil stuff, "That was almost a whole proper sentence right there."

 **"Hulk teach Scrawny"** The Green Giant announces, and makes a huge dramatic show of smashing a rodent into another,  **"Smash like this."**

"Is this going to be like an unpaid internship?" Stiles questions, "Because I definitely didn't expect this to be a thing until after college, when I'm living on the charity ramen of others and mooching off people of better fortunes than I."

 **"Smash like this!"**  The Hulk insists, as he smashes another rodent into another, and then another to get his point across.

Stiles frowns, "Hey wait a minute, do that thing again."

The Hulk smashes again, looking happy that someone WANTS him to smash. Stiles watches the way that the hulk holds his wrists as he smashes, and the way he moves his legs to get the most stable lowest centre of gravity and-

Stiles mimics his action and looks impressed when the rodent clearly goes flying several more feet than usual.

"Holy Crap," He says, and watches the Green Guy grin with terrifying pride, "You're a genius."

 **"Scrawny learn fast,"**  The Hulk preens, then scowls,  **"Stupid Science Banner Man Genius."**

"You can both be Geniuses, Genii?" Stiles ponders, "You can be a genius of Kinesthetics."

The Hulk gives him an odd look.

"A genius of smashing," Stiles amends, "Oh Jedi master I am your padawan, your grasshopper- teach me the ways of the smashing."

 **"Scrawny talks too much."**  Hulk announces, taking out a dozen rodents by using a trash can as a freaking bowling ball.

"You're my favourite person ever right now," Stiles announces, "Except for Scott and Allison."

The Hulk considers this as carefully as he can while snapping rodents over his knee,  **"Nightlight man Hulk's favourite."**

"Are we having a bonding moment? Is this the beginning of a whole new friendship?" Stiles announces, half in hysterics as he accidentally whacks a rodent into a nearby building, and pauses to watch the building, "Because if we are, I'll add you to my Christmas card list and ask Danny to hack into the camera feeds so I can sent you photos of this admittedly awesome training session so you can hang up photo’s on the wall of your room-cave-lair."

 **"Hulk never get Christmas Card."**  The Hulk looks incredulous, **"SCRAWNY FRIEND SMASH!"**

Stiles jumps and gets back into mindless smashing just as a rodent goes flying for his throat, "Uh, Thanks big guy that could have been really unfortunate and how would I ever explain to my father that I bit the dust before I even managed to get halfway through my bucket list because right not 'not dying by giant mutant mole-rat robots' is pretty high up on that list now."

The Hulk grunted, and then took out the last of the rodents with kick that dented a light post.

"Huh," Stiles looked around in a daze, "I'm going to get some curly fries now. And a shower. And a milkshake. Probably not so much in that order as simultaneously."

 **"Scrawny friend send Hulk Christmas Card?"** The Hulk looked suspicious.

"Uh, yeah sure," Stiles looked back at the Mean-Green-Rodent-Killing-Machine with a shrug, "Where do I send it?"

* * *

_"While volunteering or sick kids and puppies and rainbows is a sickeningly noble and morally outstanding thing to do, Cap, that's no excuse for leaving before I've had the chance to lavish gifts on you and eat the breakfast buffet. No really, if you don't stay and help us there'll be too much and food will go to waste and you don't want to have to mention to my lovely cook why she got up at 6am only for Captain America to reject her delicious hard work? "_

_'You have your employees working Christmas?'_

_"Don't worry Steve," Pepper swooped in like a hawk, Stark Industries has paid holiday time. If our employees want to work holidays, we pay them triple daily wages."_

" _Merry Christmas, love Pepper and Tony."_

Bruce snorted as he swirled his eggnog in one hand and sorted through the stack of mail in his other hand. While it had surprised him that he had received so much mail this year; he wasn't exactly the most popular person, there was still more than he expected. A few Agents from SHIELD who he'd liked better than others, Thor and Jane (out visiting her family), Darcy Lewis (who enclosed an impossible amount of candy that he was impressed by her refusal to adhere to physics. And her deftness with tape.), an Official Christmas Card from SHIELD (Oh how the mental image of Nick Fury's Christmas cheer was cloying.)

And-

He paused.

"Tony?" He questioned aloud, eyeing the letter seriously, "All mail went through security, right?"

"Of course," Tony called back, "We don't want a repeat of Christmas '95."

Pepper let out an exasperated sigh.

"Why?" Tony perked up, and wriggled his eyebrows, "Did General Ross send you a love letter?  _Tis the season-_ "

"Someone wrote a letter to the Hulk." Bruce cut him off, "I think there's a candy-cane inside."

Tony was at his side in a flash.

"Oh gimme," He reached out for the letters, only to be batted away, as Bruce sent him a warning look as he cracked his fingernail under the seal.

_'Merry Christmas, Green-and-Jolly' from your friendly neighbourhood-smashing apprentice..._


End file.
